It Took Me 52 Years to Figure This Out
We get a little more personal this week in our Behind the Studio category, as Lisa shares a birthday reflection, an unexpected moment of self-discovery, and a simple idea that might help you understand yourself a little better, too.
I’m turning 52 this week, and it has taken me 51 years and 361 days to figure out something rather important about myself.
Birthdays are always a time of self-reflection for me, and this morning, as I sat with my coffee, I found myself wondering why I still seem to be a hundred different things that don’t quite connect or belong or fit.
My mind wandered to my all-time favourite birthday present growing up.
I was in early high school, I think, and my parents took me shopping at a big shopping mall an hour from home. We lived in the country, so a trip like that was a real treat. They gave me some birthday money and let me choose whatever I wanted.
We looked at everything. My parents pointed out dresses, jewellery, books, all sorts of lovely things. I said no to all of it. (Looking back, I think my parents must have had the patience of saints that day.)
Nothing quite clicked until, late that afternoon, we wandered into a cheap discount bookshop. Up the back, on a table, were some art supplies. And there I found a huge tin of Derwent watercolour pencils and a beautiful Fabriano watercolour pad.
I fell in love. Instantly.
Pencils and paint in one! Beautiful paper! Oh, the things I could paint, draw and create with them.
The possibilities!
Fast-forward forty years or so, and I’ve recently developed a passion for creating my own fragrances. With three humans and two cats living in our vans, things aren’t always terribly fragrant, and I struggle to find room fragrances I like. (I think the Brits and I have very different tastes.)
So I did some research, bought an inexpensive diffuser and a few essential oils, and started experimenting.
And I was smitten.
Suddenly, every time we put in an Amazon order, I was slipping in another oil or two. I now have enough to start my own fragrance factory.
I don’t need another hobby. I certainly don’t need more oils. And I’ve beaten myself up plenty of times over my tendency to collect things I don’t necessarily use all that often.
But the more oils I had, the more I could experiment. The more combinations I could try, the more excited I became.
And this morning, as I thought about that childhood birthday and my newfound love of fragrances, a word suddenly clicked.
Possibilities.
That was it. Possibilities.
I write fantasy novels because I love the freedom to imagine anything. Whole worlds, people, places, histories. No limits. No boundaries.
I struggle terribly to settle on one art style. I’ve tried to narrow my focus, to choose one thing and become really good at it. But the more I narrow things down, the more discouraged I become. I want to paint whatever takes my fancy, in whatever style or medium suits it.
Years ago, when I first tried watercolours, every book told me to start with six paints and learn colour theory. I dutifully followed the advice, and I hated it. That tiny palette felt like a wall between me and everything I wanted to create.
The same thing happened with coloured pencils. Everyone recommended starting with a small set, so I did. And again, I felt limited and uninspired. Then one day a fabulous special came up on the entire Prismacolor range, and I bought the lot.
And suddenly I came alive.
My studio is full of paints, pens, inks, papers and all sorts of art supplies. I only use a fraction of them at any one time, but sometimes, when I’m feeling uninspired, I’ll simply wander in and look around. And ideas start to flow.
I have hundreds of books too, many of which I may never read. But knowing they’re there, filled with worlds to explore, characters to meet, things to learn and beautiful words to discover, inspires me to read more, not less.
I love notebooks with a passion, and have done ever since I bought my first one with my pocket money as a little girl. I love those beautiful empty pages where anything can happen, thoughts can be recorded, discoveries made, and ideas can thrive. I have far more notebooks than I need, but still I collect them, use them and create them. And one of my greatest joys is making notebooks for others – sending out those little doorways that might open up a whole world of possibilities for someone else. I love wondering what they might discover or create when they open one. Thankfully, Naomi loves notebooks every bit as much as I do, for all the same reasons.
Today I began to see the pattern everywhere.
The things that make me come alive have one thing in common: possibilities. And the things that discourage me most are those that make me feel trapped, restricted or hemmed in, with no room to explore or try something new.
All these years, I’ve thought of myself as someone with too many interests, too many hobbies, too many ideas. Someone who struggles to focus, who collects too much, who can’t seem to settle on one thing.
I’ve often been hard on myself about that.
And suddenly, sitting there with my coffee, I realised that perhaps I wasn’t a hundred disconnected things after all. Perhaps there was a thread running through everything, connecting all those seemingly unrelated parts of me.
Possibilities.
And, quite unexpectedly, I cried.
I’ve always believed that God made each of us with a purpose. It’s a theme that runs through much of my writing, too. But I’ve often struggled to see what connected all the different parts of me. This morning, I felt God had given me a word that made so much of it fall into place.
And it wasn’t just about understanding my past. It was about how I could approach my future.
You see, at the beginning of every year, I choose one word to sum up what I want that year to be about. I’ve suggested this to others, too, and it’s surprising how often a word will simply leap out at someone.
It might be Family. Or Freedom. Perhaps Time, Creativity, Travel or Community. One year, ours was simply Scotland, because that’s where we wanted to move.
Then, throughout the year, you use that word to help guide your decisions. If your word is Family, because you want to spend more time with those you love, you might ask yourself whether taking on yet another commitment will bring you closer to that goal or further away.
I’ve done this for years.
But it never occurred to me that I could do something similar for my whole life. Not to describe what I want, but to understand who I am.
Now I have a word that helps me make sense of myself. And when I face decisions, I can ask whether a particular path will open up the possibilities I thrive on, or close them down.
And that’s why I’m sharing this with you.
Not simply to tell you something about me, but because I wonder whether you might recognise something of yourself here.
Perhaps you have interests or habits that don’t seem to fit together. Perhaps you’ve spent years being hard on yourself for things you see as weaknesses. Or perhaps life has changed around you, and you’ve lost sight of who you are beneath it all.
What if there is a common thread? One word that helps those different pieces make sense?
Ask God if there’s one word, just one, that pulls it all together for you. He knows you. He made you. He knows what the theme is.
And take a little time to sit quietly, look back over your life and think about what truly makes you come alive. What is it that brings you a deep sense of delight or fulfilment? Think deeper than the surface.
I kept looking at the surface. That was my mistake. I could have said art or writing or reading or a hundred different things. I could even have tied up a lot of it with the word creativity. But go deeper than that. What about art or creativity or reading etc truly draws you? What about it makes you come alive? Is there a theme? See whether a word emerges.
And if it does, keep it close. Let it help you understand your past and guide the choices you make in the future.
Because sometimes, perhaps, the things we’ve spent years trying to change about ourselves aren’t quite what we thought they were.
Sometimes we just need to discover the thread that ties them all together.■
To celebrate this birthday week, we’re giving you a free downloadable birthday card from our range. Take a look HERE.
About the Author: Lisa Saul
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